I was talking with some professionals today about negative emotion and negative affect in our kiddos. We were talking about how sometime you are working with a child and you accidentally do something to scare them or make them angry. As adults, we very quickly push to fix the situation:
"Oh, it's okay baby. You're okay, there's nothing to be afraid of."
Or:
"You don't need to be upset. We'll fix your toy."
But, how many of us respond by STAYING in the negative affect WITH the child?
"Wow! That was SCARY! My heart is going so fast. I feel so scared."
Or:
"I HATE when my toys break! It makes me so angry and I want to throw my toy when it doesn't work!!!"
The point made in this discussion is that many of us truly do not know how to be comfortable while in negative affect. We do not know how to solve problems or deal with things while flooded by negative emotion.
So... how do we work on that with our kids? We provide a safety net (our relationship) while we explore negative affect with them. We use the security of our relationship and the trust our kids have in us to keep them safe and help them and instead of immediately fixing that emotion for them, we grab their hands and we explore it - explore the negative. We talk about what it feels like and how hard it is to think and how sometimes you just feel like crying. You help them see that you know what it feels like to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry - you know because you're feeling it WITH them and they can tell by your words and affect and actions. And then, we support them while they come up with their own ideas to fix their toy or breathe deep or hug mom to feel better. We give them time to deal with the flood of emotion, calm themselves down and find a solution - independently. And we are very, very careful not to ignore the opportunity to learn how to live life while not completely positive. What a gift to give to your child - a chance to feel confident working THROUGH negative affect as opposed to never getting the chance to deal with it.
Cool, huh?
